Across social media, no one can stop talking about Damson Idris and Lori Harvey getting back together. Though the couple dated from late 2022 to November 2023, their spark was undoubtedly reignited after being spotted getting cozy in Miami during Art Basel weekend. Being that Idris a highly coveted bachelor, the internet unanimously agrees that Harvey is officially the girl who has it all: wealth, beauty, and Black love.
While many have been inspired by her rise, others have found envy to be the primary emotion when witnessing Harvey’s glory. “I am insanely jealous of Lori Harvey” wrote one X user, with another adding, “It’s too much, I’m bout to block her.” While some of the sentiments are in pure fun, there are also women who feel the need to shield themselves from exposure to those whose lives are seemingly ideal. It can evoke a sense of dissatisfaction.
When witnessing someone having what you want for yourself, it’s easy to feel jealous. But while it can be an uncomfortable feeling, it is secretly the emotion needed to springboard into your newest self. Rather than feeling guilty or embarrassed by it, here’s how to confront what’s triggering you and alchemize it into your own leveling up.
The True Meaning of Jealousy
When you feel jealousy of someone, it’s important to remember that it isn’t because you want them to lose something that they have or suffer any sort of punishment. It’s an emotion that stems from unconsciously confronting a lack within your own life. It’s easy to think feeling envious about someone means you’re not a girl’s girl, or that you don’t want to best for others. You can be happy for someone just as much as you can want what they have and hate that you don’t have it. It doesn’t mean you’re insecure, but rather, acknowledging a deeper desire for something more. Instead of asking reprimanding yourself or pushing the feeling down deeper, it’s more useful to ask the question: “What is this emotion trying to show me?”
Every person you interact with is a mirror, and the triggers they invoke are only information. If you feel envy toward someone’s beauty, that’s information that you may not think you’re fulfilling your fullest potential. If you feel envy towards someone’s wealth, you may feel overworked and undervalued. If you’re envious towards someone’s love life, you’re simply having to confront a sense of loneliness or settling on your own end. Psychologists often describe jealousy as a directional emotion, meaning that it points to something we desire, value, or feel deprived of. Whoever has the capability of evoking it within you is simply demonstration a life path you secretly want, a confidence level you crave, a boundary you wish you had, or a version of yourself you haven’t stepped into yet.
Turning Jealousy Into Your Glow Up
It’s important not to feel shame around experiencing jealousy. It’s as human as an emotion can get, and it’s been a part of our inner landscape since our most primitive days. Rather than be a victim of your own emotion, use it as fuel for your own up-leveling. Jealousy isn’t telling you that you’re behind; it’s telling you that you’re ready for more. Here’s how to reframe jealousy as a tool for empowerment.
Identify the Exact Trigger
Jealousy isn’t a blanket emotion. It’s specific, and it’s informative, so long as you interrogate it mindfully. Whoever is triggering you, ask yourself: am I jealous of their career, confidence, body, relationship, visibility, or freedom? Is it what she has, or the way that she takes up space? That clarity will directly impact the way that you search for it within yourself.
Turn Comparison Into a Mirror
Social media has made comparison our default setting. However, instead of dissecting every bit of yourself in relation to them, there’s a much more empowering reframe: “If they can embody this, it means it’s available to me too.” Even if they have other resources or accessibility, no one is superhuman. You can have whatever anyone else has, because them having it is evidence, not competition. Rather than making you feel down and limited, someone else’s success should show you what’s possible in your professional field, that there’s an even better version of the love you thought you wanted, or simply that you’re ready for your next level up.
Extract the Desire, Not the Self-Criticism
Jealousy always contains a desire you haven’t honored yet. Feeling jealous of a soft life influencer means your body is begging for rest and boundaries. Being jealous of Lori Harvey’s confidence really means you want to stop shrinking yourself. Being jealous of someone’s relationship means there’s an innate desire emotional safety that isn’t being met. Once you name the desire, the jealousy loses its power because it’s no longer about what they have, but rather, what you need.
Use It as Motivation
What’s most important is to never punish yourself for feeling jealousy. Even if it’s uncomfortable to acknowledge, you don’t have to dim your true feelings to be a girl’s girl. Growth-oriented women tell the truth to themselves first and foremost. Rather than think “I’ll never have or be that,” healthy jealousy says “I want that too, so how can I move toward it?” Replace self-judgment with self-responsibility and find what action steps can be extracted from what you’re feeling. That could look like taking one small step towards the life you envy, investing in yourself the way you admire in others, and practicing the habits that align with your future self.
One of the most radical things a woman navigating envy can do is acknowledging jealousy, learning from it with compassion, and choosing to still celebrate other women while investing in her own self.